13 June 2007

Basket case girl

I have never really liked taking the pill. I think it messes with my head and gives me a tendency to feel depressed. I had stopped taking the pill some years before because of that reason and it was amazing the difference i felt when off the pill. It really does change the way i think and feel.

Not sure then, why i'd thought this time would be different. Guess because i hadn't been on the pill for such a long time, so had forgotten the effect it has on me, and probably because i had been so ridiculously happy for so long now i was sure that some little tablet wouldn't get the better of me.

I was wrong.

I started to get a bit emotional and a bit moody. This wasn't great fun. I don't know, what it was, but i just felt sad, for no good reason. I searched myself for reasons but i honestly couldn't find any, i had a great life, a wonderful partner, a good job (ok, i am not that into my job, but it hadn't bothered me that much). We were so happy and here we were trying to have a baby, and now i was sad. I withdrew. I cried. I was distant from Kylie and sometimes nasty even. I wondered around looking unhappy and tears would just well up in my eyes for no reason. It was horrible.

Poor Kylie, had just been accepted into the Fire Brigade and had just started training. She was working so hard at it and studying everynight. She didn't know what to make of me. She was confused and didn't know if there was something she had done wrong. She tried, but i wasn't really talking.

The nurse had particularly noted that when you are on both the pill and the nasal spray, things might get a little tough, but by the time i started the nasal spray as well, things were already pretty rough. I was sad alot of the time, i hated work like never before. I was moody, i cried all the time. I hated myself for what i was doing to Kylie - who was under a lot of pressure herself with the MFB training and was trying hard to deal with me too.

I felt so alone. Kylie was just so busy and i was supposed to be supporting her through her tough time, but instead i was creating drama and unhappiness in our lives. Well, that's how i saw it through my dark haze. Luckily for me Kylie wears rose coloured glasses - all the time. She just powered on with her work and her study, tried to love me when i'd let her get close and hugged me when i was upset.

I took my last pill on 05/06/2007. 'And good riddance to that', I thought.

No comments: